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[Wed, June 17th, @ 12:46 PM] |
Purrrrrfection.
That is all.
:) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sat, June 13th, @ 05:48 PM] |
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I'm in the anchorage airport using my new ipod touch. This is awesome! Four more hours and I'll be in Cordova with baaaabyyy. YAYYY!!!! |
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| made me feel better. |
[Fri, May 15th, @ 12:58 AM] |
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"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." |
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| (no subject) |
[Sun, May 10th, @ 12:06 PM] |
How did I ever get so
LUCKY?
Jonathan David Stramecky.
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| (no subject) |
[Thu, April 2nd, @ 09:09 PM] |
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Society makes me sick. |
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| (no subject) |
[Wed, March 4th, @ 08:32 PM] |
"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday." |
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| (no subject) |
[Mon, February 16th, @ 09:00 PM] |
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Smiles so big they make me cry, every time I see his face. My chest always feels like it could explode and I'm surprised it doesn't. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sun, December 7th, @ 11:44 PM] |
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I wish I could find my knack. Doesn't everyone have one? I wish I could figure out what mine was. I want to be really good at something. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sun, December 7th, @ 01:51 PM] |
"Give them an inch and they'll take a mile."
That's basically my mom summed up in one sentence. Things have gotten ridiculous. At the beginning of these changes she told me, If you go to Eastern, you can visit him Christmas Break, Spring Break, and in the summer. So then I agreed to go to Eastern, and Jon is coming here for me. I hate that it has to come to this but I feel like I'm kind of trapped in this. And so now, she says I can visit either Christmas Break OR Spring Break, no arguments, just one or the other and that is final. So I chose Christmas Break, for maximum time with Jon. I booked the flight. I paid for the flight. She was still under the impression that his parents paid for my plane ticket, but she never asked so I never bothered to tell. Since then, she has taken the liberty to go through all my mail, especially my bank statements and analyze them to her liking, and then once she is finished, not to bother even to give them to me. I canceled paper bank statements a few weeks ago, so hopefully the more recent ones with the plane ticket charge will not be coming here for inspection. Either way, I don't care much. I've endured enough already, what's a bit more? Along with stealing my mail, she has started to tear up my room when I'm gone and unaware. Luckily I threw away most important documents a few weeks ago in a massive room clean-out. So now I have no records of my prescription, birth control, or anything of that sort. That's probably not a good thing. So found my flight itinerary which was certainly not in plain view in my room and when I later came home threw a shitfit about how I have a 13 hour layover in Seattle, which according to her math "6pm to 7am! That's 10 hours!" She then performed a dramatic skit about how I will regret this, and how pained she is that she "can't trust me". So that's all of that, she keeps asking for more and more. So I'm over it, I will do things according to how I want to do them from now on. It's pretty pathetic when she can't even ask me to make a grocery list without being hostile. Even more so when my stepdad has once again switched sides as he so often does, and supports her completely.
On the brighter side, less than 18 days until I leave for Jon. Last night his mom called me "future daughter-in-law". I almost died of excitement. It's nice to know there's a little bit of acceptance in this. And soon enough I'll be with him, and soon enough maybe this will all lighten up. Who knows. None of it really matters to me. Just Jon. Being with him is all I need, and I'm okay with anything else that happens. So yeah. I'm relatively indifferent, although I would prefer for it to be otherwise. |
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| (no subject) |
[Wed, December 3rd, @ 11:15 PM] |
I think I'm beginning to reach my tolerance limit for 'friends'. Mine are all so fairweather, and most not truly friends at all. Just people I associate with because I feel I need to for one reason or another. I'm a recluse and I know it, save for Jon. I'm not depressed. I'm not angry. I'm not frustrated. I'm just done. A shrug of the shoulders. The repetition of days for weeks, months, seasons. It's all the same through and through. I'm done with hiding in my room to avoid the screaming matches taking place downstairs. I'm done with doing schoolwork that is given simply for the sake of being given. I'm done with feeling inferior for reasons insignificant. Done with feeling like less of a person or like a burden, when I've done nothing to deserve the demotion. I put all these feelings to the back of my mind without ever realizing they occur, then a trigger, and they all come forth at once. I'm not upset. Not hurt, not bitter, not annoyed. Just done. I'm so very over it. And although I am done with it, I know that it is not done with me. And that's the hard part. You can't just walk away from these things, you have to walk through. It's like going through a jungle without a machete, difficult and somewhat dangerous. Going against so much resistance.
Three more weeks until I see Jon. And it will all go away. Melt into pure nothingness, completely absent from my mind. Three more weeks and it will all be okay. It will be how it should be. Just three more weeks and I won't think about anything after that right now. I wish I could be productive with my time until then. My marginal amount of motivation just simply isn't enough to get anything done, just enough to unsettle me.
I am, in fact, very looking forward to ringing in the New Year with Jon. Just being together for that typical, cliche 'couple moment' will be nice since we don't get to experience the majority of them. We did have Sweetest Day together though. Maybe since we're together at the time then I would bother to stick to my resolutions, not that I really ever have any that are significant. I can't even think of anything significant now, just scholarships up to wazoo. Though I think I may be overconfident in what I will receive.
I'm over it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Tue, December 2nd, @ 09:41 PM] |
babybabybabybabybabyyyyyy.
I'm flying to Alaska! All by myself!
I'm leaving Christmas Day. 27 hours later, I'll be in Cordova!
So I get there the 26th, and I leave the night of the 4th.
I'm so excited! Baby! New Years together! YAAAAY. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sat, November 29th, @ 01:15 PM] |
This is all..
so much to take in. |
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| (no subject) |
[Fri, November 28th, @ 10:54 AM] |
Well. Thanksgiving was a disaster, as expected.
My mom was completely inappropriate at both families'.
Inappropriate, rude, self-important, negative, offensive.
I'm slowly cleaning out my room.
Filtering things to be prepared for the move.
It's 6 months away, but that isn't that far.
My stepdad came in my room this morning to talk.
Because my mom has made all attempts to keep us
unable to talk about Alaska together.
I don't really have much to say anymore.
The only thoughts I have nowadays are
to get to Jon as soon as possible.
Too much on my mind.
It becomes too difficult to identify a singular idea.
I'm just tired, maybe.
Lots of things I want to do but never enough time.
I'm ready to leave Michigan now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sun, November 23rd, @ 11:00 PM] |
I feel like Jon was on to something.
All the people in my life, whether or not
they deserve it truly, I see them negatively.
All except for Jon.
He's the only one who's memories remain untainted.
He is immune to my somewhat recent pessimism of relationships.
I've lost hope in all of them. Except for him.
This has driven me to him.
Made me held on so much tighter to him.
The loss of others resulting in a stronger bond.
The lungs full of oxygen when underwater.
My love for him remains pure, unlike all others.
He is the one I have left.
And I won't let go of that, not for anything.
He's my sanity. He shields me, in a sense.
How could I live without that?
Without him?
I won't even bother to fathom. |
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| a mix of fear and desperation? |
[Sun, November 23rd, @ 07:32 PM] |
It's becoming somewhat of a torment, a terrible obsession.
Taking attention away from things it rightfully should be given to.
Like it's dragging me inside myself. To the confines of my mind, my imagination.
And nothing seems to help. Nothing I've found can bring me out of it.
Sometimes Jon. But not always, and that scares me.
Maybe it's a phase. Maybe I'm doing this to myself. Who knows. I sure don't.
I'm not really looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I'm not very fond of my family, or my stepdad's.
It's never very pleasant, but I don't like social events.
So maybe it's the book.
Maybe it's missing Jon.
Maybe it's my distaste for anything else.
Anything with any link to reality.
I just want to curl up in my bed and be ignored.
I feel such a strong disconnection to everything.
It has filled me to the brim with doubts, and
wishes. Wishes that I know will remain wishes.
All the good things seem so far away.
"Time passes. even when it seems impossible. When each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does." |
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