All that is gold does not glitter;

hellopaige @ 2009-10-22T10:52:00

2009-10-22T15:02:21Z

We got the kitten! We ended up naming her Luna Lovegood because she just didn't look like a Crookshanks. We've started calling her Noodle too, because she bends and twists like she has no spine.

Here's our family picture :)

I hate not updating as much, but I started playing Farmville, Sorority Life, and Happy Aquarium on facebook and now I'm obsessed with all of them. So pretty much every second of my time on the internet I'm playing one of them. I got Jon to do them too, except Sorority Life.

School is going well, I did well on all of my midterms. Geography is getting to be a problem just because the class is so strictly defined and doesn't really allow second chances. And I never study. Blah, oh well though. I'm just ready for next semester already. Well, more for next semester to be over.

I just really want to go to Alaska already. I'm just so over Michigan. I want to go for the summer, to do whatever work I can even if it's a hated grocery store job. I want to go fishing for halibut and hiking and bear-hunting. I want to go SO BADDDD. And I can't wait to start college in Juneau. Pretty soon it'll be time to start applying (I think) ish. Not that I'm worried about getting accepted, I'm just excited to get the ball rolling. This summer when we're staying in Cordova, hopefully we can take a weekend flight to Juneau to check things out and maybe try to find an apartment. Though I think (crossing my fingers) we'll be eligible for the "Family Residency" on campus. Which is like two bedroom apartments if you have a child together, are married, or meet a list of criteria. So I need to start doing whatever to be eligible for the list. It's things like having a joint banking account, having a lease together, etc. There was also an option where you could send in a special circumstance and they will judge if you are eligible. So hopefully that will all work out and then we could get scholarships to pay for our housing as well. AHHH I just want to go already so so bad.

Andrea's wedding pictures and all the shows on tv have kind of put me into a wedding planning frenzy. Jon and I aren't even engaged yet and I'm just going crazy! I want to go to Tokyo for our honeymoon. lol. I'm not going to get into anything else though.

Class gotta go!

hellopaige @ 2009-08-25T09:35:00

2009-08-25T13:45:28Z

MOVE IN DAY!!! Wooo. I'm about to get ready to leave, have to stop at Kinko's to fax some information to DTE so they can set up the account in my name. Then to Barnes & Barnes to pay first month's rent and pick up the keys! I'm gonna take whatever I can fit into my car, which isn't much and then wait for my mom to get home so we can pack up the Explorer and the trailer.

I feel bad though. Poor little Remy, who is going to love him and cuddle with him at night when I'm gone. I wish I could just take him with me because Chelsea is a horrible owner and pretty much just abandoned him here. She's never home to play with him or take care of him. My mom does what she can but he deserves more! He is such a perfect dog :( Poor little man. I wish the apartment wasn't strictly no pets. Hmmph.

but... MOVE IN DAY! I'm gonna take pictures too for Jon cause he's still never seen it! I've forgotten what it looks like too, mostly.

Time to jump!

hand in hand is the only way to land,

2009-07-20T03:14:51Z

The Final Countdown: 38 days.

Until Jon is here and we have our apartment and move in together. And never have to be separated again!! I love him so much. Sometimes I feel like it could just all explode out of me, like right now. I feel like it's unnatural to be so happy with someone, but I suppose unnatural is close enough to other-worldly to fit us perfectly. :)

hellopaige @ 2009-06-17T12:46:00

2009-06-17T20:47:55Z

Purrrrrfection.

That is all.
:)

hellopaige @ 2009-06-13T17:48:00

2009-06-13T21:51:24Z

I'm in the anchorage airport using my new ipod touch. This is awesome! Four more hours and I'll be in Cordova with baaaabyyy. YAYYY!!!!

made me feel better.

2009-05-15T04:59:13Z

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

hellopaige @ 2009-05-10T12:06:00

2009-05-10T16:14:14Z

How did I ever get so
LUCKY?

Jonathan David Stramecky.

hellopaige @ 2009-04-02T21:09:00

2009-04-03T01:09:42Z

Society makes me sick.

hellopaige @ 2009-03-04T20:32:00

2009-03-05T01:33:49Z

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

hellopaige @ 2009-02-16T21:00:00

2009-02-17T02:01:20Z

Smiles so big they make me cry, every time I see his face. My chest always feels like it could explode and I'm surprised it doesn't. :)

hellopaige @ 2008-12-07T23:44:00

2008-12-08T04:44:56Z

I wish I could find my knack. Doesn't everyone have one? I wish I could figure out what mine was. I want to be really good at something.

hellopaige @ 2008-12-07T13:51:00

2008-12-07T19:09:14Z

"Give them an inch and they'll take a mile."
That's basically my mom summed up in one sentence. Things have gotten ridiculous. At the beginning of these changes she told me, If you go to Eastern, you can visit him Christmas Break, Spring Break, and in the summer. So then I agreed to go to Eastern, and Jon is coming here for me. I hate that it has to come to this but I feel like I'm kind of trapped in this. And so now, she says I can visit either Christmas Break OR Spring Break, no arguments, just one or the other and that is final. So I chose Christmas Break, for maximum time with Jon. I booked the flight. I paid for the flight. She was still under the impression that his parents paid for my plane ticket, but she never asked so I never bothered to tell. Since then, she has taken the liberty to go through all my mail, especially my bank statements and analyze them to her liking, and then once she is finished, not to bother even to give them to me. I canceled paper bank statements a few weeks ago, so hopefully the more recent ones with the plane ticket charge will not be coming here for inspection. Either way, I don't care much. I've endured enough already, what's a bit more? Along with stealing my mail, she has started to tear up my room when I'm gone and unaware. Luckily I threw away most important documents a few weeks ago in a massive room clean-out. So now I have no records of my prescription, birth control, or anything of that sort. That's probably not a good thing. So found my flight itinerary which was certainly not in plain view in my room and when I later came home threw a shitfit about how I have a 13 hour layover in Seattle, which according to her math "6pm to 7am! That's 10 hours!" She then performed a dramatic skit about how I will regret this, and how pained she is that she "can't trust me". So that's all of that, she keeps asking for more and more. So I'm over it, I will do things according to how I want to do them from now on. It's pretty pathetic when she can't even ask me to make a grocery list without being hostile. Even more so when my stepdad has once again switched sides as he so often does, and supports her completely.

On the brighter side, less than 18 days until I leave for Jon. Last night his mom called me "future daughter-in-law". I almost died of excitement. It's nice to know there's a little bit of acceptance in this. And soon enough I'll be with him, and soon enough maybe this will all lighten up. Who knows. None of it really matters to me. Just Jon. Being with him is all I need, and I'm okay with anything else that happens. So yeah. I'm relatively indifferent, although I would prefer for it to be otherwise.

hellopaige @ 2008-12-03T23:15:00

2008-12-04T04:55:01Z

I think I'm beginning to reach my tolerance limit for 'friends'. Mine are all so fairweather, and most not truly friends at all. Just people I associate with because I feel I need to for one reason or another. I'm a recluse and I know it, save for Jon. I'm not depressed. I'm not angry. I'm not frustrated. I'm just done. A shrug of the shoulders. The repetition of days for weeks, months, seasons. It's all the same through and through. I'm done with hiding in my room to avoid the screaming matches taking place downstairs. I'm done with doing schoolwork that is given simply for the sake of being given. I'm done with feeling inferior for reasons insignificant. Done with feeling like less of a person or like a burden, when I've done nothing to deserve the demotion. I put all these feelings to the back of my mind without ever realizing they occur, then a trigger, and they all come forth at once. I'm not upset. Not hurt, not bitter, not annoyed. Just done. I'm so very over it. And although I am done with it, I know that it is not done with me. And that's the hard part. You can't just walk away from these things, you have to walk through. It's like going through a jungle without a machete, difficult and somewhat dangerous. Going against so much resistance.

Three more weeks until I see Jon. And it will all go away. Melt into pure nothingness, completely absent from my mind. Three more weeks and it will all be okay. It will be how it should be. Just three more weeks and I won't think about anything after that right now. I wish I could be productive with my time until then. My marginal amount of motivation just simply isn't enough to get anything done, just enough to unsettle me.

I am, in fact, very looking forward to ringing in the New Year with Jon. Just being together for that typical, cliche 'couple moment' will be nice since we don't get to experience the majority of them. We did have Sweetest Day together though. Maybe since we're together at the time then I would bother to stick to my resolutions, not that I really ever have any that are significant. I can't even think of anything significant now, just scholarships up to wazoo. Though I think I may be overconfident in what I will receive.

I'm over it.

hellopaige @ 2008-12-02T21:41:00

2008-12-03T02:42:50Z

babybabybabybabybabyyyyyy.

I'm flying to Alaska! All by myself!

I'm leaving Christmas Day. 27 hours later, I'll be in Cordova!

So I get there the 26th, and I leave the night of the 4th.
I'm so excited! Baby! New Years together! YAAAAY.

hellopaige @ 2008-11-29T13:15:00

2008-11-29T18:15:15Z

This is all..

so much to take in.

hellopaige @ 2008-11-28T10:54:00

2008-11-28T16:08:13Z

Well. Thanksgiving was a disaster, as expected.
My mom was completely inappropriate at both families'.
Inappropriate, rude, self-important, negative, offensive.

I'm slowly cleaning out my room.
Filtering things to be prepared for the move.
It's 6 months away, but that isn't that far.
My stepdad came in my room this morning to talk.
Because my mom has made all attempts to keep us
unable to talk about Alaska together.

I don't really have much to say anymore.
The only thoughts I have nowadays are
to get to Jon as soon as possible.

Too much on my mind.
It becomes too difficult to identify a singular idea.
I'm just tired, maybe.
Lots of things I want to do but never enough time.

I'm ready to leave Michigan now.

hellopaige @ 2008-11-23T23:00:00

2008-11-24T04:04:03Z

I feel like Jon was on to something.

All the people in my life, whether or not
they deserve it truly, I see them negatively.
All except for Jon.
He's the only one who's memories remain untainted.
He is immune to my somewhat recent pessimism of relationships.
I've lost hope in all of them. Except for him.

This has driven me to him.
Made me held on so much tighter to him.
The loss of others resulting in a stronger bond.
The lungs full of oxygen when underwater.
My love for him remains pure, unlike all others.

He is the one I have left.
And I won't let go of that, not for anything.
He's my sanity. He shields me, in a sense.
How could I live without that?
Without him?
I won't even bother to fathom.

a mix of fear and desperation?

2008-11-24T01:08:47Z

It's becoming somewhat of a torment, a terrible obsession.
Taking attention away from things it rightfully should be given to.
Like it's dragging me inside myself. To the confines of my mind, my imagination.
And nothing seems to help. Nothing I've found can bring me out of it.
Sometimes Jon. But not always, and that scares me.
Maybe it's a phase. Maybe I'm doing this to myself. Who knows. I sure don't.

I'm not really looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I'm not very fond of my family, or my stepdad's.
It's never very pleasant, but I don't like social events.

So maybe it's the book.
Maybe it's missing Jon.
Maybe it's my distaste for anything else.
Anything with any link to reality.

I just want to curl up in my bed and be ignored.
I feel such a strong disconnection to everything.
It has filled me to the brim with doubts, and
wishes. Wishes that I know will remain wishes.

All the good things seem so far away.

"Time passes. even when it seems impossible. When each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does."

hellopaige @ 2008-11-19T17:48:00

2008-11-19T23:04:02Z

The Twilight books have consumed me.
Last night, reading New Moon, was a very odd experience.
The deep feeling of pure misery, the emptiness of loss.
I've only felt that during the times I thought I had lost Jon.
The lack of will to live. So engulfed with pain, yet apathetic.
It was so strange to visit those long lost feelings.

I seem to have invested quite a bit of myself in this book.
Reading fervently, with no control over myself, no desire to stop.
Walking through hallways in school with the book in my face, still reading.

I think it's just so enticing because I see so many connections with my own life.
Sure, I'm not the soulmate of a vampire, or have a best friend that's a werewolf.
But the personalities fit, the technicalities fit, the relationship surely fits.
I'd like to think there's more to it than just fitting the author's target audience.

I'd always like to think there's more.

the warmth of merlot, but it's not nearly the same as his.

2008-11-19T01:22:35Z

http://hellopaige.livejournal.com/2008/01/12/

http://hellopaige.livejournal.com/2008/01/24/

http://hellopaige.livejournal.com/2008/01/29/

http://hellopaige.livejournal.com/2008/02/18/

http://hellopaige.livejournal.com/55122.html

My favorite inspirations. Who knew I would get this far? <3

i've seen the best and worst of you

2008-11-13T02:23:17Z

At practice today, everyone on the team got nicknames.
Mine is Eskimo :]

Tomorrow is my orientation at Marshall's.
I have to miss team dinner, which makes me kind of sad.
I had to miss it last year, too, because of work.

New trimesters begin soon, which I eagerly await.
I'll have Co-Op first hour, and won't have to go in until 9:10.
So I can continue my staying up late routine,
just now it will all balance out.
Also, College Writing starts which I'm excited for.
I need to get registered at WCC for an online class.

I've written a letter to my mom about moving away,
a psychological reasoning demonstrating my need of it.
It was difficult to write. I had to stunt my vocabulary.
But I think it may be effective, at least somewhat.

I have a lot of homework to do. I want to get it finished.
And also, start mapping out Book Club's itinerary for the year.
For Sam and I's independent study next trimester :)

that is all it is

2008-11-12T04:22:58Z

difficult, but possible

i get too caught up in the little things.
i always forget to take a step back.

it makes me feel better when i do.

hellopaige @ 2008-11-10T22:15:00

2008-11-11T03:28:42Z

The ending of a book is always the beginning of a large disappointment.
Not as much with this one, since there is at least one more book in the cycle.
It still dampens my heart, and leaves me with a feeling of such hollowness.

Powderpuff starts tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to I suppose.
I am glad I have Beh this year, last year I didn't really have anyone.
It's so cold outside though. First snow happened yesterday.

It's always so cold.
I miss the heartwarming gazes and comforting nuzzles.

I need to become more productive.
But I am only productive with bouts of creative energy.
And when that is absent, I am practically useless.
They always come at the wrong times though.

My last day at Kroger is Saturday. I start my new job Thursday.
This is a big step outside of my comfort zone. This is my jump.

Endurance is fairly substantial right now.
I'm content, or at least as content as I can be.
Just waiting, waiting, waiting. Always waiting.

hellopaige @ 2008-11-09T12:48:00

2008-11-09T18:06:48Z

ESCAPE.

hellopaige @ 2008-11-05T21:05:00

2008-11-06T02:07:53Z

the imaginations and visions of future life have started to bloom in my mind. the color of our bedroom, which drawer silverware will go in, which side of the sink our toothbrushes will be on. it seems nearly tangible, these ideas. they will become real so soon. even if it seems like ages away, in the big picture it's barely a second. just a few more months, just a few more months. baby<3